Witty Wisdom Lover Gifts

Garbage is a collector's item.

'Of course I'm on the pull - I'm a cricketer.'

"Bed Spread"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Counting dollars

K9 Literati.

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"Baldo, credit cards are a terrible idea! Take it from someone who has 10 of 'em."

'Sorry, but I do not recall that incident either.'

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

A good executive is known by the company he keeps solvent.

'Psychoanalysis is passé. I suggest we ask for asylum in France.'

'The 20th century wasn't bad, but I preferred the 19th. I'm open minded for the 21st.'

Spiv

My army drill instructors license plate is HUP-2-3-4.

You're too enamored of wealth, Al. As it says in the Bible, "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle that for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." Is that a regular Camel, or does it have a filter tip?

Law office sign: "Defending the citizen's entitlement to folly since 1935"

'Don't be silly, dear. You don't look a day over one hundred eighty three.'

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

"'Meaning'? Hahahahaha..."

"Can I have a knife and fork, please."

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

Advertising makes you crave things you never knew existed.

"I survived this long by telling all the young toms that a farmer will bring an ax to cut the fence downed set free the first turkey he sees."

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

Never judge a nose job at face value.

I heard you have a really bad toothache. Meh. Not anymore. "Meh"? I got bored of that, so I just moved on. Amazing. "Mindless over matter." Bored of this phone.

The hardest instrument to play second fiddle.

Poet and Peasant

"I tried shutting my mouth and opening my mind, but then I remembered it's better to give than to receive."

'Think about this, Kid...If I knew the meaning of life, would I be spending mine, sitting on the top of a mountain?'

"Do you realize that they pay our teacher to come to school every day and we do it for free?"