Witticism Lover Gifts

My son sends his clothes out to get cleaned rumpled.

Children help us in our old age, after they help us get there.

It's a serious drought when washing your car won't bring on rain.

The saying 'pleasantly plump' has gone the way of all flesh.

Uneasy lies the head that wears a cheap toupee to bed.

Give a weed an inch and it'll take a yard.

If your too wrapped in yourself, change into something casual.

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

'Sorry, but I do not recall that incident either.'

"You make a great point."

'Psychoanalysis is passé. I suggest we ask for asylum in France.'

"Baldo, credit cards are a terrible idea! Take it from someone who has 10 of 'em."

"How long can you stay out here before your toes wrinkle?"

"What does 'inexplicable' mean..?"

Witty T-Shirt Guy

Pressing Problem

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

'Don't be silly, dear. You don't look a day over one hundred eighty three.'

Frank and Ernest's Cerebral Questions. Today's question is would an "elbowhead" be smarter or dumber than a "knucklehead"? (Published originally on October 12, 2015.)

Spiv

My army drill instructors license plate is HUP-2-3-4.

'To get ahead in business, you can't lose your head. Pun intended.'

"Can I have a knife and fork, please."

'Ferguson's not like the rest of us - he's AROUND the hill.'

'Yes, we made something better than sliced bread and built a better mousetrap, but maybe R&D needs new blood.'

"A pox on your house red."

'I want you to try an alternate cure for your insomnia-start watching daytime television.'

"Yeah, I'm selling my bowling balls. Free delivery to anyone who lives downhill."

Advertising makes you crave things you never knew existed.

Mensa Applicants - Please Form an Orderly IQ.

Cosmetics keep men from reading between the lines.

Yeah, last words are like snappy comeback --- You always think of the best ones after it's too late!