Witticism Admirer Gifts

Today's memoir is more of a who dunit?

Vlad the Inhaler

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"Hey, it's not all fire and brimstone anymore—one of our nine circles is even smoke-free."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"I love this time of year."

"Will she know what this is in reference to?"

Sharp Eyes

'Huh, that Will Shakespeare, a man of few words.'

"I hate to be a downer, but, statistically, people are more likely to die of heart disease than by getting

Pressing Problem

"What does 'inexplicable' mean..?"

Frock Coat

Witty T-Shirt Guy

"When life gives me lemons, I know twenty-six ways to kill a man with a lemon."

Scale indicates the value of books.

'I want you to try an alternate cure for your insomnia-start watching daytime television.'

'Yes, we made something better than sliced bread and built a better mousetrap, but maybe R&D needs new blood.'

"You have to admire their ingenuity at least -- They're burying their apple cores."

Cosmetics keep men from reading between the lines.

"It's not just his rapier wit that intimidates."

Liquor is legal, not compulsory.

"Could you tell me where I am? Not geographically - but in an existentialist way."

Zen Buddhist Diary

Deepwater Fish

People who love the supine position tend to lie down on the job.

"Thinking outside the box? You bet I am!"

"You can try all you want, but being smooth is just something you're born with."

The man of the hour is the guy whose wife asked him to wait a minute.

Give a weed an inch and it'll take a yard.

Karl Marks

If you think I've been witty and charming so far, wait until you see the word balloons I have back at my house.

Three wise men following a lightbulb

The Lamest Story Ever Told Is the One That You Tell Yourself Has To Be True

"I miss the days of classical western thought."