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Today's memoir is more of a who dunit?

Vlad the Inhaler

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"Hey, it's not all fire and brimstone anymore—one of our nine circles is even smoke-free."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Sharp Eyes

"I love this time of year."

"Will she know what this is in reference to?"

'Huh, that Will Shakespeare, a man of few words.'

"I hate to be a downer, but, statistically, people are more likely to die of heart disease than by getting

"What does 'inexplicable' mean..?"

Pressing Problem

Frock Coat

Witty T-Shirt Guy

"When life gives me lemons, I know twenty-six ways to kill a man with a lemon."

Scale indicates the value of books.

'Yes, we made something better than sliced bread and built a better mousetrap, but maybe R&D needs new blood.'

'I want you to try an alternate cure for your insomnia-start watching daytime television.'

"You have to admire their ingenuity at least -- They're burying their apple cores."

Cosmetics keep men from reading between the lines.

"It's not just his rapier wit that intimidates."

Liquor is legal, not compulsory.

"Could you tell me where I am? Not geographically - but in an existentialist way."

Zen Buddhist Diary

Deepwater Fish

Give a weed an inch and it'll take a yard.

The man of the hour is the guy whose wife asked him to wait a minute.

"Thinking outside the box? You bet I am!"

Karl Marks

"You can try all you want, but being smooth is just something you're born with."

People who love the supine position tend to lie down on the job.

Three wise men following a lightbulb

"I miss the days of classical western thought."

Life begins at forty? - That's when my arthritis kicked in.