Witticism Lover Pillows

My son sends his clothes out to get cleaned rumpled.

Children help us in our old age, after they help us get there.

It's a serious drought when washing your car won't bring on rain.

The saying 'pleasantly plump' has gone the way of all flesh.

Uneasy lies the head that wears a cheap toupee to bed.

Give a weed an inch and it'll take a yard.

If your too wrapped in yourself, change into something casual.

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"Baldo, credit cards are a terrible idea! Take it from someone who has 10 of 'em."

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

'Psychoanalysis is passé. I suggest we ask for asylum in France.'

'Sorry, but I do not recall that incident either.'

"You make a great point."

"How long can you stay out here before your toes wrinkle?"

"What does 'inexplicable' mean..?"

My army drill instructors license plate is HUP-2-3-4.

'Don't be silly, dear. You don't look a day over one hundred eighty three.'

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

Witty T-Shirt Guy

Pressing Problem

Spiv

'To get ahead in business, you can't lose your head. Pun intended.'

"Can I have a knife and fork, please."

'I want you to try an alternate cure for your insomnia-start watching daytime television.'

'Ferguson's not like the rest of us - he's AROUND the hill.'

'Yes, we made something better than sliced bread and built a better mousetrap, but maybe R&D needs new blood.'

"A pox on your house red."

"Yeah, I'm selling my bowling balls. Free delivery to anyone who lives downhill."

Advertising makes you crave things you never knew existed.

Mensa Applicants - Please Form an Orderly IQ.

"Until the weapons of mass destruction are found."

Liquor is legal, not compulsory.

Garbage is a collector's item.