Lover Of Witticisms Pillows

Skip school-no one will be the wiser...Especially you.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Sharp Eyes

Professor Ernie's history of philosophy. Rene Descartes had a difficult childhood. I think, therefore I am! I know you are, but what am I?!

" ... and this is my wife - I'm legally obligated to tell you that."

"How long can you stay out here before your toes wrinkle?"

Witty T-Shirt Guy

Pressing Problem

"What does 'inexplicable' mean..?"

Frock Coat

'I don't suppose you have any grey poupon?'

G.K. Chesterton.

"What keeps me going? The tightening feeling in my chest that if I stop, I'll die."

'Yes, we made something better than sliced bread and built a better mousetrap, but maybe R&D needs new blood.'

'I want you to try an alternate cure for your insomnia-start watching daytime television.'

"Hey, David...what's a five letter noun for someone I couldn't live without...oh yeah, kitty!"

Penny for your lack of thoughts.

"Until the weapons of mass destruction are found."

"I came here because my photography work is suffering - everybody on social media says they love my abstract pictures. The problem is, I do landscape pictures."

Cosmetics keep men from reading between the lines.

Liquor is legal, not compulsory.

'You look lovely today.'

"You're definitely going to need an extraction."

"It's not just his rapier wit that intimidates."

"Gee, I just love the British dry sense of humor!"

'You're smarter than you look? -- well, I should HOPE so!'

People who love the supine position tend to lie down on the job.

The man of the hour is the guy whose wife asked him to wait a minute.

'He'll want you to try the Winelich maneuver first, instead of the Heimlich -- it brings up the food, but leaves the wine.'

Give a weed an inch and it'll take a yard.

I started writing crossword puzzles when I realized it was the only chance I'd ever have of finishing one.

Society for Asking Stupid Questions

"Phil!"