Lover Of Witticisms Pillows

Skip school-no one will be the wiser...Especially you.

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Sharp Eyes

"How long can you stay out here before your toes wrinkle?"

"What does 'inexplicable' mean..?"

Witty T-Shirt Guy

Pressing Problem

Frock Coat

'I don't suppose you have any grey poupon?'

G.K. Chesterton.

"Hey, David...what's a five letter noun for someone I couldn't live without...oh yeah, kitty!"

"What keeps me going? The tightening feeling in my chest that if I stop, I'll die."

'I want you to try an alternate cure for your insomnia-start watching daytime television.'

'Yes, we made something better than sliced bread and built a better mousetrap, but maybe R&D needs new blood.'

Cosmetics keep men from reading between the lines.

"It's not just his rapier wit that intimidates."

"Until the weapons of mass destruction are found."

"I came here because my photography work is suffering - everybody on social media says they love my abstract pictures. The problem is, I do landscape pictures."

"You're definitely going to need an extraction."

Liquor is legal, not compulsory.

'You look lovely today.'

'He'll want you to try the Winelich maneuver first, instead of the Heimlich -- it brings up the food, but leaves the wine.'

People who love the supine position tend to lie down on the job.

The man of the hour is the guy whose wife asked him to wait a minute.

'You're smarter than you look? -- well, I should HOPE so!'

Give a weed an inch and it'll take a yard.

Society for Asking Stupid Questions

"Phil!"

'At $87,000, I'd say this comes from the artist's I'm-milking-this-for-all-I-can Period.'