Fan Of Witticisms Pillows

Curiosity was the mother of Venetian blinds.

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Sharp Eyes

A lesson in wit

Frock Coat

"The Loyalty Card program has changed. Management now requires you to get a Loyalty Forehead Tattoo of the bar's logo."

Pressing Problem

'Yeah, but tomorrow I'll be sober, and you'll still be a giraffe!'

"What does 'inexplicable' mean..?"

'What?... You wanted your horse SHOD!?'

Witty T-Shirt Guy

'I don't suppose you have any grey poupon?'

'I want you to try an alternate cure for your insomnia-start watching daytime television.'

"At work, they call me benchmark."

'Yes, we made something better than sliced bread and built a better mousetrap, but maybe R&D needs new blood.'

"It's not just his rapier wit that intimidates."

"You're definitely going to need an extraction."

Your honor, would you please instruct the witness to stop texting on his cell phone during my cross-examination? I would, but I'm the person he's texting.

Cosmetics keep men from reading between the lines.

Liquor is legal, not compulsory.

People who love the supine position tend to lie down on the job.

The man of the hour is the guy whose wife asked him to wait a minute.

'He'll want you to try the Winelich maneuver first, instead of the Heimlich -- it brings up the food, but leaves the wine.'

Give a weed an inch and it'll take a yard.

'At $87,000, I'd say this comes from the artist's I'm-milking-this-for-all-I-can Period.'

Life begins at forty? - That's when my arthritis kicked in.

'Thanks but we really can't accept...'

'You've had enough to drink when you feel sophisticated and can't pronounce it.'

The one thing about a queue is it keeps everyone in line.

'Is that Nat with a G?'

Half Wit

Today's memoir is more of a who dunit?

Penny Pinching