Fan Of Witticisms Pillows

Curiosity was the mother of Venetian blinds.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Sharp Eyes

A lesson in wit

Frock Coat

"The Loyalty Card program has changed. Management now requires you to get a Loyalty Forehead Tattoo of the bar's logo."

'What?... You wanted your horse SHOD!?'

'Yeah, but tomorrow I'll be sober, and you'll still be a giraffe!'

Pressing Problem

"What does 'inexplicable' mean..?"

Witty T-Shirt Guy

'I don't suppose you have any grey poupon?'

'I want you to try an alternate cure for your insomnia-start watching daytime television.'

'Yes, we made something better than sliced bread and built a better mousetrap, but maybe R&D needs new blood.'

"At work, they call me benchmark."

Cosmetics keep men from reading between the lines.

Liquor is legal, not compulsory.

"It's not just his rapier wit that intimidates."

"You're definitely going to need an extraction."

'He'll want you to try the Winelich maneuver first, instead of the Heimlich -- it brings up the food, but leaves the wine.'

The man of the hour is the guy whose wife asked him to wait a minute.

People who love the supine position tend to lie down on the job.

Give a weed an inch and it'll take a yard.

Life begins at forty? - That's when my arthritis kicked in.

'At $87,000, I'd say this comes from the artist's I'm-milking-this-for-all-I-can Period.'

If your too wrapped in yourself, change into something casual.

It's smart never to forget your amnesia.

The one thing about a queue is it keeps everyone in line.

'Is that Nat with a G?'

'You've had enough to drink when you feel sophisticated and can't pronounce it.'

'Thanks but we really can't accept...'

Right Of Entry

"How about I give you a black eye?"