Witticism Lovers Pillows

Never talk to your pet rock-It's stone deaf.

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

Czarcasm

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Sharp Eyes

'Psychoanalysis is passé. I suggest we ask for asylum in France.'

"How long can you stay out here before your toes wrinkle?"

"By the time we can marry in all fifty states, we'll probably be divorced."

Frock Coat

"What does 'inexplicable' mean..?"

Witty T-Shirt Guy

Pressing Problem

'What?... You wanted your horse SHOD!?'

'I want you to try an alternate cure for your insomnia-start watching daytime television.'

'Yes, we made something better than sliced bread and built a better mousetrap, but maybe R&D needs new blood.'

"He's been talking to that cat again!"

'Commons Bar' - "I would never vote to bring back flogging...why should criminals get for free what MP's have to pay for?"

'What do you mean 'What would Jane Austen do?''

Liquor is legal, not compulsory.

"It's not just his rapier wit that intimidates."

Garbage is a collector's item.

Cosmetics keep men from reading between the lines.

"Until the weapons of mass destruction are found."

"I tried shutting my mouth and opening my mind, but then I remembered it's better to give than to receive."

Give a weed an inch and it'll take a yard.

Ancient Secrets to a Happy Life

People who love the supine position tend to lie down on the job.

The man of the hour is the guy whose wife asked him to wait a minute.

Life begins at forty? - That's when my arthritis kicked in.

If your too wrapped in yourself, change into something casual.

It's smart never to forget your amnesia.

Curiosity was the mother of Venetian blinds.

'I'm afraid the x-rays indicate you're just a bit too full of yourself.'

The one thing about a queue is it keeps everyone in line.