Witticism Lovers Pillows

Never talk to your pet rock-It's stone deaf.

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

Czarcasm

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Sharp Eyes

'Psychoanalysis is passé. I suggest we ask for asylum in France.'

"How long can you stay out here before your toes wrinkle?"

"By the time we can marry in all fifty states, we'll probably be divorced."

Witty T-Shirt Guy

'What?... You wanted your horse SHOD!?'

Frock Coat

Pressing Problem

"What does 'inexplicable' mean..?"

'I want you to try an alternate cure for your insomnia-start watching daytime television.'

'Yes, we made something better than sliced bread and built a better mousetrap, but maybe R&D needs new blood.'

"It's the best work you've ever done. Still pretty awful."

"He's been talking to that cat again!"

He wouldn't be up there is he had just kept his mouth shut.

"It's not just his rapier wit that intimidates."

'Commons Bar' - "I would never vote to bring back flogging...why should criminals get for free what MP's have to pay for?"

"Until the weapons of mass destruction are found."

Cosmetics keep men from reading between the lines.

Garbage is a collector's item.

Liquor is legal, not compulsory.

'What do you mean 'What would Jane Austen do?''

"I tried shutting my mouth and opening my mind, but then I remembered it's better to give than to receive."

The man of the hour is the guy whose wife asked him to wait a minute.

Give a weed an inch and it'll take a yard.

People who love the supine position tend to lie down on the job.

Ancient Secrets to a Happy Life

Life begins at forty? - That's when my arthritis kicked in.

Curiosity was the mother of Venetian blinds.

If your too wrapped in yourself, change into something casual.

'I'm afraid the x-rays indicate you're just a bit too full of yourself.'

It's smart never to forget your amnesia.