Witty Women Gifts

'Hello, Pre-Menstrual Syndrome Hotline?'

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Bed Spread"

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

You're Out Of Order

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. Amanda Kern. Comics Counseling. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

'Can we just do this pass-fail?'

'Was it good for you?' 'I haven't finished yet!'

Smart people learn from experience - other peoples'.

"It's nice to know I've still got it."

"My husband would get out and change the tire, but he has a lug nut allergy."

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

'Today the market corrected itself AND Leonard.'

Looking Daggers

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

Pearls Before Swine is not a terribly savvy name

Picasso's brew period.

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

"Yes I do like intelligent women - what a stupid question!"

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

"I survived this long by telling all the young toms that a farmer will bring an ax to cut the fence downed set free the first turkey he sees."

"His schlock has gravitas."

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

"Back when we were in college, and occasionally sleeping together, I never thought I'd be here, toasting you at your wedding to a woman."

The hardest instrument to play second fiddle.