Witty Women Pillows

'Hello, Pre-Menstrual Syndrome Hotline?'

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

"Bed Spread"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

You're Out Of Order

'Can we just do this pass-fail?'

'Was it good for you?' 'I haven't finished yet!'

Smart people learn from experience - other peoples'.

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

Looking Daggers

"My husband would get out and change the tire, but he has a lug nut allergy."

'Today the market corrected itself AND Leonard.'

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

"Yes I do like intelligent women - what a stupid question!"

Picasso's brew period.

Pearls Before Swine is not a terribly savvy name

"It's nice to know I've still got it."

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

"His schlock has gravitas."

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

"Back when we were in college, and occasionally sleeping together, I never thought I'd be here, toasting you at your wedding to a woman."

The hardest instrument to play second fiddle.

Never judge a nose job at face value.