Witty Couple Pillows

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

"Okay, so I faked it...you happy now?"

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

'Was it good for you?' 'I haven't finished yet!'

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

Stand-up Romcom

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

'You certainly went to town growing all that lettuce so I've dressed for dinner.'

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

'If you're going to marry this geek, I suggest you get the extended warranty.'

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

You're Out Of Order

"There's nothing wrong with your marriage that an extra bathroom and walk-in closet can't solve."

"Honest, D-D-Dad. My report card's 'in the cloud.'"

'Use a tissue, dear. There's an icicle on your nose.'

'Can we just do this pass-fail?'

Female sock walks away from male sock, saying: 'Look, it's just a trial separation, OK?'

Smart people learn from experience - other peoples'.

"Let's just say that you're not trending on any site on the internet!"

"Yes I do like intelligent women - what a stupid question!"

"I want to make it with you."

'Sorry darling, I'm too tired to lift you onto your pedestal tonight.'

'When we were first married, he was all 'Cock-A-Doodle-Do.' Now, he's just 'Cock-A-Doodle-Don't.''

'Today the market corrected itself AND Leonard.'

Pearls Before Swine is not a terribly savvy name

"My husband would get out and change the tire, but he has a lug nut allergy."

"I'll start dancing like Fred Astaire, when you stop dancing like Nellie the Elephant!"

"His schlock has gravitas."

'And they lived happily ever after - well beyond their means.'

"I'm sorry, but you're not the patient your father was."