Witty Couple Pillows

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

"Okay, so I faked it...you happy now?"

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

'Was it good for you?' 'I haven't finished yet!'

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

Stand-up Romcom

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

'You certainly went to town growing all that lettuce so I've dressed for dinner.'

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

'If you're going to marry this geek, I suggest you get the extended warranty.'

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

"Have you been bathing in moonlight?"

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

You're Out Of Order

'Can we just do this pass-fail?'

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. Amanda Kern. Comics Counseling. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

'Use a tissue, dear. There's an icicle on your nose.'

"There's nothing wrong with your marriage that an extra bathroom and walk-in closet can't solve."

"Honest, D-D-Dad. My report card's 'in the cloud.'"

Smart people learn from experience - other peoples'.

Female sock walks away from male sock, saying: 'Look, it's just a trial separation, OK?'

"My husband would get out and change the tire, but he has a lug nut allergy."

"I want to make it with you."

'Today the market corrected itself AND Leonard.'

'Sorry darling, I'm too tired to lift you onto your pedestal tonight.'

"Sounds like you've both been pushing each others' buttons."

'When we were first married, he was all 'Cock-A-Doodle-Do.' Now, he's just 'Cock-A-Doodle-Don't.''

"Yes I do like intelligent women - what a stupid question!"

Pearls Before Swine is not a terribly savvy name

"Let's just say that you're not trending on any site on the internet!"

"I'll start dancing like Fred Astaire, when you stop dancing like Nellie the Elephant!"

"His schlock has gravitas."