Witty Woman Pillows

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

Bangers and Mash

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Bed Spread"

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

'You should agree with me, but not all the time, Try mixing it up a little,'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

It started with a giggling sound in the suspension, then a noise in the ventilator, and then...

'Can we just do this pass-fail?'

Death Watch

'Since you were late to work so often, we should have given the watch when you started 43 years ago.'

Wise Cracker

'Was it good for you?' 'I haven't finished yet!'

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

"I can't wait to get home and insult my parents from a position of authority."

"Yes I do like intelligent women - what a stupid question!"

"I thought you meant a football pool."

"I got the bagel less everythinged, and that has made all the difference."

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

'Today the market corrected itself AND Leonard.'

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

'When I said you will get an office with windows, I was referring to the operating system on the computer.'

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

Picasso's brew period.

Looking Daggers

"My husband would get out and change the tire, but he has a lug nut allergy."

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"