Witty Persona Pillows

Crematorium Wheelie Bin

"Bed Spread"

Bangers and Mash

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'Oh, and one more thing

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

'I'd like an 'Innuendo' please - a big one.'

"He's a terrible drunk."

'Can we just do this pass-fail?'

It started with a giggling sound in the suspension, then a noise in the ventilator, and then...

Knights of the iPhone

"My husband would get out and change the tire, but he has a lug nut allergy."

"Boy, your sister wasn't kidding when she said you were the face of the company."

"Actually the salary isn't important. . . I just need a desk to rest my feet on."

Picasso's brew period.

Looking Daggers

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

"I can't wait to get home and insult my parents from a position of authority."

Mechanics price list.

One Way/Two Ways.

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

'Why don't you take out the garbage sometime?'

Armour Plate

"I'm sorry, but you're not the patient your father was."

The hardest instrument to play second fiddle.