Witty Persona Gifts

Crematorium Wheelie Bin

"Bed Spread"

Bangers and Mash

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'Oh, and one more thing

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

"How the heck could you forget your sword?"

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

'I'd like an 'Innuendo' please - a big one.'

It started with a giggling sound in the suspension, then a noise in the ventilator, and then...

Technical specifications: semi-automatic 1.2 mm cartoon launcher. 7.5 inch barrels holds a full stick of graphite. Fires rounds of sarcasm, satire and spoofs. Takes out religious fanatics with sharp wit.

'Can we just do this pass-fail?'

"He's a terrible drunk."

Knights of the iPhone

Picasso's brew period.

"Actually the salary isn't important. . . I just need a desk to rest my feet on."

"My husband would get out and change the tire, but he has a lug nut allergy."

Looking Daggers

"Boy, your sister wasn't kidding when she said you were the face of the company."

"I can't wait to get home and insult my parents from a position of authority."

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

David Letterman

One Way/Two Ways.

Mechanics price list.

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

The hardest instrument to play second fiddle.

'I don't think she's pretty.' 'Neither do I.' (After a pause.) 'Did she refuse you too?'

"Back when we were in college, and occasionally sleeping together, I never thought I'd be here, toasting you at your wedding to a woman."