Witty Advisor Gifts

'Oh, and one more thing

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Bed Spread"

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

'You raised the price of air to 50c!' 'Inflation.'

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'Look at you. You're a basket case.'

'I feel I owe a lot to my country.' - 'So, you haven't paid your income tax again.'

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

'What can we do to reduce our spending?'

Mom's Mortuary

So what happens when you told Armstrong you wouldn't recite that Sinclair Broadcasting script? Oh, nothing. Sinclair sued me for everything I own, that's all. But the joke's on them: I've set up different LLC's for every aspect of my life. So all they could get were the assets of the LLC that they paid. This opens up a whole world of possibilities. I knew forming Rudy-has-next-to-nada LLC was a good idea. I am going to miss my ten cents and my broken wiffle ball, though.

Leonard L. Lipchitz: Sending the Law since 1972

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

Do you believe in money at first sight?

People want as much government as they deserve.

Plug: ' OHHH, Baby Baby.'

"I can't wait to get home and insult my parents from a position of authority."

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

"Actually the salary isn't important. . . I just need a desk to rest my feet on."

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

Looking Daggers

"He's a good boy, but he sheds like crazy."

"Well, it's only one glass after dinner darling!"

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

'you should know my wife thinks I'm stupid.'

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

"Once you get past the divine right of kings, I'm not much into theology."

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

"I survived this long by telling all the young toms that a farmer will bring an ax to cut the fence downed set free the first turkey he sees."

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'