Witty Professional Gifts

'I'm afraid your Unique Selling Point isn't pointy enough.'

"Mr. Berkowitz, I and my Jewish career counselor, hereby wish you a mazel tov on your birthday."

Lanard, Bonwell, Wilson & Brockman: Based on the standup comedy of Steve Lanard

"Actually the salary isn't important. . . I just need a desk to rest my feet on."

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"Bed Spread"

'You should agree with me, but not all the time, Try mixing it up a little,'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

Call Your Office

'Oh, and one more thing

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

'Can we just do this pass-fail?'

'All those against, raise your hand. All those in favor of ice cream, scream.'

Leonard L. Lipchitz: Sending the Law since 1972

'Since you were late to work so often, we should have given the watch when you started 43 years ago.'

So what happens when you told Armstrong you wouldn't recite that Sinclair Broadcasting script? Oh, nothing. Sinclair sued me for everything I own, that's all. But the joke's on them: I've set up different LLC's for every aspect of my life. So all they could get were the assets of the LLC that they paid. This opens up a whole world of possibilities. I knew forming Rudy-has-next-to-nada LLC was a good idea. I am going to miss my ten cents and my broken wiffle ball, though.

'The Dorvil people feel that the merger was a mistake. They want out, they want half the company's assets and they want child support.'

"My husband would get out and change the tire, but he has a lug nut allergy."

"Our founder was a real joker. That's the first silver dollar he ever glued to the floor."

'When I said you will get an office with windows, I was referring to the operating system on the computer.'

Looking Daggers

"I can't wait to get home and insult my parents from a position of authority."

'Have you referred to my previous boss?' - 'Yes, he wants to know when you are going to return the coffee money.'

"I'm sorry, but you're not the patient your father was."

"I like it, but the women will never wear it."

'It's nothing personal. It's just that going after your job is in my job description.'

"You're one of the most twisted people I know!"

Extreme Accounting!

Safety First.

Surgeon asking patient, 'Would you like this to go?'

'When you said that you carried the whole weight of the company on your shoulders. . .'

'I think I'm right for this job because I'm a real people person. Now, are you going to hire me or not? I don't have all freakin' day!'

U.S. Mint. I think we deserve a raise --- Our productivity is certainly up!

'Please try to be more tactful with your co-workers...' 'Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic...'

Is my mother-in-law the only one who shows up with an attache case?