Witty Businessman Gifts

"Our founder was a real joker. That's the first silver dollar he ever glued to the floor."

"Bed Spread"

'You raised the price of air to 50c!' 'Inflation.'

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'Oh, and one more thing

'I feel I owe a lot to my country.' - 'So, you haven't paid your income tax again.'

'our chances seemed pretty good until you lighted that 20.'

"Let's talk more about your valuation policy."

'What can we do to reduce our spending?'

"You have a lot of unresolved anger and it's settled in your hat."

'I thought I'd cut out the middle men.'

'When you grounded me to my room, you said no TV or computer. You never said I couldn't build my own bike.'

So what happens when you told Armstrong you wouldn't recite that Sinclair Broadcasting script? Oh, nothing. Sinclair sued me for everything I own, that's all. But the joke's on them: I've set up different LLC's for every aspect of my life. So all they could get were the assets of the LLC that they paid. This opens up a whole world of possibilities. I knew forming Rudy-has-next-to-nada LLC was a good idea. I am going to miss my ten cents and my broken wiffle ball, though.

Is this your father, little guy? No, lady, my father is a libel attorney, and you'll be hearing from him.

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

'The Dorvil people feel that the merger was a mistake. They want out, they want half the company's assets and they want child support.'

"I'm getting something to speed things up, Jenkins. A skateboard."

"Actually the salary isn't important. . . I just need a desk to rest my feet on."

Looking Daggers

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

"The last thing we need now is to sit around with a hangdog look!"

'I should warn you - all our 'non-loaded' funds are alcohol free.'

The hardest instrument to play second fiddle.

'I'll trade you my topsoil for your apple.'

"I don't care if all your friends like that. You go back and put on some more insulation, young lady!"

"Mr. Berkowitz, I and my Jewish career counselor, hereby wish you a mazel tov on your birthday."

'You give me flintstones. If great light climbs up sky again tomorrow, I keep stones. If great light don't climb up sky, you lose stones.'

"I like it, but the women will never wear it."

"As you know, Ed, my pockets are considerably deeper than yours. Therefore, in addition to my share I'll be needing a percentage of yours."

"Yeah, we thought about having kids, but we didn't want to give up our lifestyle."

'When you said that you carried the whole weight of the company on your shoulders. . .'

"Do you realize that they pay our teacher to come to school every day and we do it for free?"

"For the last time, Bellows, it's stomp stomp clap, we will, we will rock. Now, from the top..."