Witty Businessperson Gifts

'The Dorvil people feel that the merger was a mistake. They want out, they want half the company's assets and they want child support.'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

Boss's Desk Says No!

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

"Mr. Johnson, Bob is kicking me under the table!"

"Bed Spread"

'I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.'

Of course I always start off by wooing a prospective candidate with talk of stimulating work,great colleagues and a reasonable work life balance...but the winning argument is always when I promise them enough money to choke a rhino.

'We need to boost our earnings by giving our earnings a boost.'

"Oh, for God's sake. It's just Marketing!"

"Sinclair's not all he's cracked up to be. His reputation exceeds him."

The Birth of the Pyramid Marketing Sales Scam (circa 4,000 BC)

'It has all the comfort of a regular jet, but it's invisible to shareholders.'

LEMONADE 50 CENTS, NOW HIRING, 'Okay, you're hired -- now, I want you to forget everything you learned in pre-school.'

Fisher, this memo of yours, it needs more punch

'Stop complaining and be thankful we found a place for you in the restructuring!'

'All my venture capital is tied up in Miss Umpley, there.'

Boss to employee: 'You think you've got burnout? Are you sure it's not dry rot?'

"I finally got that order off Benson last night. He signed it with a chopstick and soya sauce."

"To mom, apple pie, and foreign investors who keep our economy humming."

'our chances seemed pretty good until you lighted that 20.'

'You don't understand, Hartwell -- the handshake WAS your Christmas bonus.'

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

Entertaining The Troops On Wall Street

"This is a computer speaking. I will now misconnect you and your party."

"Oh, come on, you know we should have switched to touch-tone years ago."

"Hire him, I want to watch his enthusiasm die."

"Ssssh. . . it's time for his verbal warning."

'My particular skill set is mismanaging risk. There seems to be a plethora of people with that skill set.'

"Let's talk more about your valuation policy."

'It's not that I don't appreciate the work you do for us, it's just that nobody does.'

"I've built this business up from scratch. . . "

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

So what happens when you told Armstrong you wouldn't recite that Sinclair Broadcasting script? Oh, nothing. Sinclair sued me for everything I own, that's all. But the joke's on them: I've set up different LLC's for every aspect of my life. So all they could get were the assets of the LLC that they paid. This opens up a whole world of possibilities. I knew forming Rudy-has-next-to-nada LLC was a good idea. I am going to miss my ten cents and my broken wiffle ball, though.

"Is it just me, or did this sales meeting suddenly take a dark turn?"