Witty Worker Gifts

'It's nothing personal. It's just that going after your job is in my job description.'

'You should agree with me, but not all the time, Try mixing it up a little,'

'When I said you will get an office with windows, I was referring to the operating system on the computer.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

'Since you were late to work so often, we should have given the watch when you started 43 years ago.'

'Remember, don't discuss your salary with anyone else.' - 'Don't worry, I'm just as ashamed of it as you are.'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Bed Spread"

"And finally, I'd like to take any questions from the floor."

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"We're looking for a workaholic with another job that'll provide the pension and health benefits we don't provide."

Call Your Office

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

'Doctor, one placebo or two with your tea?'

"I'm listing my deadlines by due date so I can miss them in chronological order."

Knights of the iPhone

"I'm sorry Perkins, but dying at your desk is a strict breach of company policy!"

The disgruntled employees were brought down with tranquilizer darts, ending the worst pillow fight in recent memory.

"Old Mrs. Cranshaw is next, Doctor. Better put on your white jacket."

Picasso's brew period.

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

'Congratulations, Henderson -- I'm promoting you from henchman to crony.'

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"Actually the salary isn't important. . . I just need a desk to rest my feet on."

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

"No, you can't borrow my pen."

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

'Liz, send someone in. My tip jar is empty.'

Never judge a nose job at face value.

"Mr. Berkowitz, I and my Jewish career counselor, hereby wish you a mazel tov on your birthday."

"I happen."

Safety First.