Witty Worker Pillows

'It's nothing personal. It's just that going after your job is in my job description.'

'You should agree with me, but not all the time, Try mixing it up a little,'

U.S. Mint. I think we deserve a raise --- Our productivity is certainly up!

'When I said you will get an office with windows, I was referring to the operating system on the computer.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

'Since you were late to work so often, we should have given the watch when you started 43 years ago.'

'Remember, don't discuss your salary with anyone else.' - 'Don't worry, I'm just as ashamed of it as you are.'

"Bed Spread"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"And finally, I'd like to take any questions from the floor."

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"We're looking for a workaholic with another job that'll provide the pension and health benefits we don't provide."

Call Your Office

"How the heck could you forget your sword?"

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

'Doctor, one placebo or two with your tea?'

"I'm listing my deadlines by due date so I can miss them in chronological order."

"I'm sorry Perkins, but dying at your desk is a strict breach of company policy!"

Technical specifications: semi-automatic 1.2 mm cartoon launcher. 7.5 inch barrels holds a full stick of graphite. Fires rounds of sarcasm, satire and spoofs. Takes out religious fanatics with sharp wit.

Knights of the iPhone

"Old Mrs. Cranshaw is next, Doctor. Better put on your white jacket."

The disgruntled employees were brought down with tranquilizer darts, ending the worst pillow fight in recent memory.

"Actually the salary isn't important. . . I just need a desk to rest my feet on."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

'Congratulations, Henderson -- I'm promoting you from henchman to crony.'

Picasso's brew period.

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

"I survived this long by telling all the young toms that a farmer will bring an ax to cut the fence downed set free the first turkey he sees."

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

"No, you can't borrow my pen."

'Liz, send someone in. My tip jar is empty.'