Witty Warrior Pillows

'Did you order the new sign?'

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

Knights of the iPhone

Technical specifications: semi-automatic 1.2 mm cartoon launcher. 7.5 inch barrels holds a full stick of graphite. Fires rounds of sarcasm, satire and spoofs. Takes out religious fanatics with sharp wit.

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

"How the heck could you forget your sword?"

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"So what's this special distracting tactic you've developed?"

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

'You should agree with me, but not all the time, Try mixing it up a little,'

Shakespeare working on his "author's bio"

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'Can you debunk my essay?'

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

'126,000 words done...now I just need to work out what order to put them in.'

"I'm listing my deadlines by due date so I can miss them in chronological order."

"Joyce Carol Oates seems to have no trouble coming out with book after book."

"I'll run through it again. Hit those keys."

(NO) Shirts With Writing On Them

'You're an interesting combination of shallow and thick.'

'Since you were late to work so often, we should have given the watch when you started 43 years ago.'

'Here's the first copy. We only printed 1000 copies of your book.'

One of the lesser known joys of being a fencing instructor.

"One of the failed candidates for the copywriters job wants to know 'wart was rong with his applicashun?'"

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

'Congratulations, Henderson -- I'm promoting you from henchman to crony.'

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Wear your pens with pride

'When I said you will get an office with windows, I was referring to the operating system on the computer.'

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

Valentine Comix

"You'd better come up with something that will sell - or else. I hope that was helpful."