Witty Warrior Gifts

'Did you order the new sign?'

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

Knights of the iPhone

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"So what's this special distracting tactic you've developed?"

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

'You should agree with me, but not all the time, Try mixing it up a little,'

'Can you debunk my essay?'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

Shakespeare working on his "author's bio"

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

'126,000 words done...now I just need to work out what order to put them in.'

"I'm listing my deadlines by due date so I can miss them in chronological order."

"Joyce Carol Oates seems to have no trouble coming out with book after book."

'Here's the first copy. We only printed 1000 copies of your book.'

'Since you were late to work so often, we should have given the watch when you started 43 years ago.'

(NO) Shirts With Writing On Them

"I'll run through it again. Hit those keys."

'You're an interesting combination of shallow and thick.'

One of the lesser known joys of being a fencing instructor.

"One of the failed candidates for the copywriters job wants to know 'wart was rong with his applicashun?'"

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

"You'd better come up with something that will sell - or else. I hope that was helpful."

'When I said you will get an office with windows, I was referring to the operating system on the computer.'

'Congratulations, Henderson -- I'm promoting you from henchman to crony.'

Valentine Comix

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

Writer's Block

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

Mechanics price list.

One Way/Two Ways.