Witty Workplace Warrior Gifts

"I'm listing my deadlines by due date so I can miss them in chronological order."

"No, you can't borrow my pen."

'Congratulations, Henderson -- I'm promoting you from henchman to crony.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'Do you remember when our time away from the office was our time...'

"I've never said this to a woman before, but here goes: We're not paying you enough."

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

37 years in the same position.

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

Man sees sign as he exits bathroom: 'Employees Often Wash Hands'.

"Now, let's get out there and walk really fast to places we don't want to be."

Hand Sanitizer Man, beloved superhero of every workplace in the world.

'How many times have I told to seize the day before it seizes you?'

'I went to my boss and demanded the fruits of my labor. He gave me a Blackberry.'

"You are being overly-defensive again, Brenda!"

'I need to talk to you about the coffee fund.'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

'Did you just show your teeth at me Wilson?'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

'Please leave the light on, dear. I'm afraid there might be OSHA inspectors under the bed.' 'Managers at Night.'

'It's 930am ma'am - time to meet the Board of Detractors.'

'The boss put his picture up to enspire us. But it just isn't having that effect on me.'

'Here's another one that'll make you blow your stack.'

Working Late

Five doors: Push, Pull, Up High, Down Low, Too Slow.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'Would you be interested in attending a stress management seminar?'

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

"Just heading out for a good cry, care to join me?"

"Motivational seminars are too expensive. Just buy stronger coffee."

"They don't pull their punches here, do they."

'Need I remind you who's boss here?'

Work Slave

"Look Billington, if you can't take the strain, tell me, ok?"