Witty Workplace Dweller Gifts

"Whom shall I say is arresting?"

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

"We're looking for a workaholic with another job that'll provide the pension and health benefits we don't provide."

'You should agree with me, but not all the time, Try mixing it up a little,'

Call Your Office

"Mom said mopping up my snow tracks is a good start for my bucket list."

'I'm not saying he's going to chew you out, but he skipped breakfast and lunch.'

'Thanks for not asking for a rise.'

"I knew there would be a catch."

'I interview well, but only for exit interviews.'

"I'm listing my deadlines by due date so I can miss them in chronological order."

'Beegly, I want you to give this old college try... you know, cheat.'

"They got rid of 'work from home,' so I pushed for 'blanket forts from office.'"

"I'm sorry Perkins, but dying at your desk is a strict breach of company policy!"

'Since you were late to work so often, we should have given the watch when you started 43 years ago.'

'I like the way you tick, Watkins!'

"Old Mrs. Cranshaw is next, Doctor. Better put on your white jacket."

'You impressed one of our new managers in Calcutta so much, he's arranged for you to marry his daughter.'

'When I said you will get an office with windows, I was referring to the operating system on the computer.'

Boss: 'Yes, I did say you had potential - the problem is you don't seem to have quite as much of it as I originally thought you did!'

"His cell is a TV remote, his diplomas are elevator inspections, his computer's an Etch-a-Sketch -- but his contract's iron clad."

"Actually the salary isn't important. . . I just need a desk to rest my feet on."

'Congratulations, Henderson -- I'm promoting you from henchman to crony.'

"The meeting's at 10. I'll send you a copy of the agenda, the hidden agenda and your personal agenda."

'You'll learn very quickly. Especially if you don't like being fired.'

"No, you can't borrow my pen."

'Now that your 'peak earning years' have passed, we'll be cutting your salary.'

"Mr. Berkowitz, I and my Jewish career counselor, hereby wish you a mazel tov on your birthday."

"I used to be the leader of the management team, until they made me abdicate."

Photocopying his ass was not as easy as he'd been led to believe.

"Edward? Can I play with your stuff?"

'Liz, send someone in. My tip jar is empty.'

'It's nothing personal. It's just that going after your job is in my job description.'

'Why is it? You can work hard all day long, but when the boss walks by you're goofing off.'