Witty Workplace Warriors Gifts

I'm not going to form a union just so you can refuse my demands. Besides, I'm just one guy. Work with me. Sign up with the Service Workers of America, then demand to negotiate higher wages and more breaks. I'll refuse, lay you off, bring in scabs, then eventually hire you back after you take a pay cut and sign away your right to collective bargain. C'mon, please. I've waited a lifetime for these circumstances. I'll do it for a raise.

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"This position has become very important to the company."

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

So which rung are you on my corporate ladder?

"I've never said this to a woman before, but here goes: We're not paying you enough."

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

37 years in the same position.

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

Man sees sign as he exits bathroom: 'Employees Often Wash Hands'.

Hand Sanitizer Man, beloved superhero of every workplace in the world.

I'm a self-made man!

'How many times have I told to seize the day before it seizes you?'

"Now, let's get out there and walk really fast to places we don't want to be."

'I went to my boss and demanded the fruits of my labor. He gave me a Blackberry.'

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'Did you just show your teeth at me Wilson?'

"You are being overly-defensive again, Brenda!"

'I need to talk to you about the coffee fund.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

'It's 930am ma'am - time to meet the Board of Detractors.'

'The boss put his picture up to enspire us. But it just isn't having that effect on me.'

How are you at decision making?

'Here's another one that'll make you blow your stack.'

"A one-word email reply... classic power move."

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'Please leave the light on, dear. I'm afraid there might be OSHA inspectors under the bed.' 'Managers at Night.'

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

Five doors: Push, Pull, Up High, Down Low, Too Slow.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'Would you be interested in attending a stress management seminar?'

"Just heading out for a good cry, care to join me?"

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"