Witty Workplace Warriors Gifts

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"This position has become very important to the company."

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

"I've never said this to a woman before, but here goes: We're not paying you enough."

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

37 years in the same position.

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

Man sees sign as he exits bathroom: 'Employees Often Wash Hands'.

"Now, let's get out there and walk really fast to places we don't want to be."

I'm a self-made man!

Hand Sanitizer Man, beloved superhero of every workplace in the world.

'How many times have I told to seize the day before it seizes you?'

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"You are being overly-defensive again, Brenda!"

'Did you just show your teeth at me Wilson?'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

'I need to talk to you about the coffee fund.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

'The boss put his picture up to enspire us. But it just isn't having that effect on me.'

"A one-word email reply... classic power move."

How are you at decision making?

'Please leave the light on, dear. I'm afraid there might be OSHA inspectors under the bed.' 'Managers at Night.'

'It's 930am ma'am - time to meet the Board of Detractors.'

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'Here's another one that'll make you blow your stack.'

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

Five doors: Push, Pull, Up High, Down Low, Too Slow.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'Would you be interested in attending a stress management seminar?'

"Just heading out for a good cry, care to join me?"

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

'Don't bother cleaning out your desk. We'll be hiring you back as a consultant for half the salary and no benefits.'

Work Slave