Office Witticism Warrior Gifts

'That's McAfferty, the company's new efficiency expert. He's been sniffing out sacred cows and empty suits all week!'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

"Are you not thinking what I'm not thinking?"

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

'I'm worried about all these unemployed. They're still on our payroll'

'You should agree with me, but not all the time, Try mixing it up a little,'

Call Your Office

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

"How the heck could you forget your sword?"

K9 Literati.

'We're looking with someone with balls...not an enlarged prostate.'

'All this knowledge going into my head, through my eyes and out the window to float forever in space.'

"Just one question...how on earth do I get down?!"

"I'm listing my deadlines by due date so I can miss them in chronological order."

I'm Aging Gracefully...so SHUT UP!!!

You're too enamored of wealth, Al. As it says in the Bible, "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle that for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." Is that a regular Camel, or does it have a filter tip?

'Since you were late to work so often, we should have given the watch when you started 43 years ago.'

Witty T-Shirt Guy

Law office sign: "Defending the citizen's entitlement to folly since 1935"

Knights of the iPhone

So what happens when you told Armstrong you wouldn't recite that Sinclair Broadcasting script? Oh, nothing. Sinclair sued me for everything I own, that's all. But the joke's on them: I've set up different LLC's for every aspect of my life. So all they could get were the assets of the LLC that they paid. This opens up a whole world of possibilities. I knew forming Rudy-has-next-to-nada LLC was a good idea. I am going to miss my ten cents and my broken wiffle ball, though.

Technical specifications: semi-automatic 1.2 mm cartoon launcher. 7.5 inch barrels holds a full stick of graphite. Fires rounds of sarcasm, satire and spoofs. Takes out religious fanatics with sharp wit.

"Dear Bad-Karma, to assist you at this busy time, I've drawn up a list of people you may have missed."

'Remember, my son -- the longest journey begins with a single slither.'

Neither Here nor There

'When I said you will get an office with windows, I was referring to the operating system on the computer.'

'Just think of me as your life coach.'

'Congratulations, Henderson -- I'm promoting you from henchman to crony.'

"No, you can't borrow my pen."

'Your HMO won't cover injuries stemming form office politics.'

Garbage is a collector's item.

"We gave every employee the latest fitness tracker wristband. It helps them keep tabs on our 35-step-per-day limit."

Truth seeker seeking knowledge sees different levels of gurus.

'What do you mean, you found a loophole in Nirvana?'