Workplace Witticist Gifts

'We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.

"The thing I hate most about my job is the work."

"Around here they want things in triplicate."

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"This position has become very important to the company."

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

I'm a self-made man!

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

How are you at decision making?

"A one-word email reply... classic power move."

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

He used to pass the buck, since being promoted to management he gets to call it delegating authority.

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

"Damn it,Frank,if I can't bully my staff, who can I bully?"

'I'm worried about all these unemployed. They're still on our payroll'

'You should agree with me, but not all the time, Try mixing it up a little,'

"No more thinking outside the box Bamford. From now on I want you to do all your thinking inside your box!"

'I'm working with a bunch of cavemen.'

'Leave my biscuit in my in-tray. I'll deal with it in the morning.'

"Miss Jones, bring me into the 21st century..."

'Please Henderson - Not another one of your bright ideas!'

"Gosh, 'inept' seems so harsh. Personally, I prefer the term 'productivity-challenged!'"

"Pendleton will stay afloat no matter what!"

'Where's the fun in being an employer if you can't spontaneously sack someone anymore.'

"Effective leadership is more than just telling everybody to be like you!"

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"I know you used to be our paperboy. That's why when you leave, you'll find your resume on the roof."

"Let me level with you. I am a lecherous, incompetent, alcoholic, overpaid, sexist senior executive. The company has put me in your way to test your countervailing potential."

"You're late, Myers!"

'Your bonus as promised.'