Workplace Witticism Fan Gifts

Neither Here nor There

"Golden parachute? No, at my pay grade it's more like cast iron."

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"This position has become very important to the company."

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'

I'm a self-made man!

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"A one-word email reply... classic power move."

How are you at decision making?

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

"It's okay to be ambitious but do you dare to pee on my tree, Jackson!"

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

"You haven't been laid off because you're the designated scapegoat."

"Greetings, Earthling - Are you a worker or a drone?"

"Damn it,Frank,if I can't bully my staff, who can I bully?"

'Stevens, get in here. I need a few minutes with the left side of your brain.'

"This just in — I no longer have a job."

"Of course I believe in diversity. Harlan, here, is an endangered species."

"Pendleton will stay afloat no matter what!"

'Please Henderson - Not another one of your bright ideas!'

"What are your other qualifications besides 'my daddy owns the company'?"

'I'm working with a bunch of cavemen.'

"No more thinking outside the box Bamford. From now on I want you to do all your thinking inside your box!"

"Miss Jones, bring me into the 21st century..."

Giving feedback is a complex process.

'Where's the fun in being an employer if you can't spontaneously sack someone anymore.'

"Excellent Simons, I admire a 'yes' man who's not afraid to say 'yes'."

'Well, this is a new low - even for you.'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'