Workplace Witticism Fan Pillows

Neither Here nor There

"Golden parachute? No, at my pay grade it's more like cast iron."

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"This position has become very important to the company."

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'

I'm a self-made man!

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

How are you at decision making?

"A one-word email reply... classic power move."

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

He used to pass the buck, since being promoted to management he gets to call it delegating authority.

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

"It's okay to be ambitious but do you dare to pee on my tree, Jackson!"

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

"Damn it,Frank,if I can't bully my staff, who can I bully?"

"Greetings, Earthling - Are you a worker or a drone?"

"You haven't been laid off because you're the designated scapegoat."

'Stevens, get in here. I need a few minutes with the left side of your brain.'

"This just in — I no longer have a job."

'I'm working with a bunch of cavemen.'

"Of course I believe in diversity. Harlan, here, is an endangered species."

"Miss Jones, bring me into the 21st century..."

'Please Henderson - Not another one of your bright ideas!'

"What are your other qualifications besides 'my daddy owns the company'?"

"No more thinking outside the box Bamford. From now on I want you to do all your thinking inside your box!"

"Pendleton will stay afloat no matter what!"

Giving feedback is a complex process.

'Where's the fun in being an employer if you can't spontaneously sack someone anymore.'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'