Workplace Witticism Pillows

"This position has become very important to the company."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

I'm a self-made man!

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

How are you at decision making?

"A one-word email reply... classic power move."

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

"Damn it,Frank,if I can't bully my staff, who can I bully?"

"Who's your daddy corporation?"

'Leave my biscuit in my in-tray. I'll deal with it in the morning.'

'Is that the smell of fear? Or is it just Meatloaf Monday in the cafeteria?'

"Miss Jones, bring me into the 21st century..."

'Please Henderson - Not another one of your bright ideas!'

'I'm working with a bunch of cavemen.'

"No more thinking outside the box Bamford. From now on I want you to do all your thinking inside your box!"

Career Analyst "Well I've looked at your file and yes, your job is rubbish"

"Pendleton will stay afloat no matter what!"

'Where's the fun in being an employer if you can't spontaneously sack someone anymore.'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"You're late, Myers!"

Wow. A corner office at last

'We don't have an opening at the moment, but if you'll wait one minute...'

"I know you used to be our paperboy. That's why when you leave, you'll find your resume on the roof."

If your ideas are 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration...

'I'm not saying he's going to chew you out, but he skipped breakfast and lunch.'

'Your bonus as promised.'

'No good deed goes unpunished around here.'

Lame Lines