Workplace Wits Pillows

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'The resume is handwritten because I am not very good with computers' - The LAST thing you should say in ANY job interview.

"I preferred it when you micromanaged more openly."

"Incentive program, you mean like your paycheck?"

"This position has become very important to the company."

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

I'm a self-made man!

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

How are you at decision making?

"A one-word email reply... classic power move."

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

He used to pass the buck, since being promoted to management he gets to call it delegating authority.

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

"Damn it,Frank,if I can't bully my staff, who can I bully?"

"Who's your daddy corporation?"

'I'm worried about all these unemployed. They're still on our payroll'

"Pendleton will stay afloat no matter what!"

'Leave my biscuit in my in-tray. I'll deal with it in the morning.'

'I'm working with a bunch of cavemen.'

"Miss Jones, bring me into the 21st century..."

'Please Henderson - Not another one of your bright ideas!'

"Gosh, 'inept' seems so harsh. Personally, I prefer the term 'productivity-challenged!'"

"No more thinking outside the box Bamford. From now on I want you to do all your thinking inside your box!"

"So, Tom from accounting—you remember Tom, right? Anyway, Tom yells 'TMI, Gail!' Can you believe he said that?" "Textbook Tom."

'Where's the fun in being an employer if you can't spontaneously sack someone anymore.'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"You're late, Myers!"

'Your bonus as promised.'

If your ideas are 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration...

'We don't have an opening at the moment, but if you'll wait one minute...'

'I'm not saying he's going to chew you out, but he skipped breakfast and lunch.'