Workplace Wit Pillows

'I've been disorientated since my employee orientation program.'

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

'Where's the fun in being an employer if you can't spontaneously sack someone anymore.'

"Corporate Diversity would like you to get a sex change."

'Your drug test results show you aren't taking any performance enhancing drugs. Your performance review results shows that maybe you should.'

Mental Floss.

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"Well, you may think my style of leadership is authoritarian..."

'So, you're looking for casual labour!'

"Of course I'm aware of all the office gossip. I started it."

'I told you not to take a left out of the office - now we're completely lost!'

'No good deed goes unpunished around here.'

'He was right at his desk a moment ago.'

IT department/Cup of T department.

'Thank you for attending the interview Mr Jones. And if we do ever have a vacancy for a no-hoper, I'll be in touch.'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

'That's why I love to be the boss - I've got the power to order you to send me useless reports day by day and I've got the freedom not to read the crap!'

'Let's try word-association, shall we? WORK.' 'SHY.'

"Did you give me the finger?"

'...plus, an annual molting leave!'

I'm a self-made man!

'Please Henderson - Not another one of your bright ideas!'

Poster saying THINK

The photos? These are the three people most dear to me

I believe you're looking for skilled men.

'As a boss you'll find me hard, but fair. Actually, that's only half true.'

'This spider's web proves that you've done no work today!'

How are you at decision making?

"Pendleton will stay afloat no matter what!"

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'You remind me of myself at your age, Ferguson, so I want you to stay away from my secretary!'

"I spend so much time sitting at my desk, my chair now suffers from separation anxiety. I only left for lunch, and it had to follow me."

"You're late, Myers!"

"Of course we have an open door policy."