Witty Workplace Humor Lover Pillows

"I see you finally found a non-union hauler for our freight."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

'It seems every time my business grows so does my paperwork!'

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'What's wrong now?'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Does your mother know you keep a messy office?'

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

'I have much less stress since I replaced my in box with a paper shredder.'

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

"I made money the old fashioned way. I inherited it."

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

'I'm sure he was a great guy, but there's a new Pharaoh in town.'

'You can drop all the hints you like, Jones. We're not buying you a computer.'

'I give this one about three months...'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is, none of us will be alive then.'

'We will not kick the can down the road... Does anyone know how to use a can opener?'

'I don't like our new copier, it sliced my report into hundreds of tiny strips.'

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

'That's Oog -- he got a haircut and a job.'

"No, I'm not really a CEO. I just like to keep up with the Joneses."