Lover Of Workplace Humor Pillows

"Oh...here comes the response from the complaints department!"

"So how much would you say you drank on an average day?"

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'What's wrong now?'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

'Does your mother know you keep a messy office?'

'I have much less stress since I replaced my in box with a paper shredder.'

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'I'm sure he was a great guy, but there's a new Pharaoh in town.'

"I made money the old fashioned way. I inherited it."

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'You can drop all the hints you like, Jones. We're not buying you a computer.'

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

'I give this one about three months...'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is, none of us will be alive then.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

'We will not kick the can down the road... Does anyone know how to use a can opener?'

'I don't like our new copier, it sliced my report into hundreds of tiny strips.'

'You're going to have to work your way up to the ground floor like everyone else.'

'Did you get the hard copy from Mr. Dawson?'

Lift buttons read: East Side/West Side/All Around the Town.

The World's First Electronic Paperweight

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'