Lover Of Workplace Humor Gifts

"Oh...here comes the response from the complaints department!"

"So how much would you say you drank on an average day?"

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'What's wrong now?'

'Does your mother know you keep a messy office?'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

'I have much less stress since I replaced my in box with a paper shredder.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

"I made money the old fashioned way. I inherited it."

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

'I'm sure he was a great guy, but there's a new Pharaoh in town.'

'You can drop all the hints you like, Jones. We're not buying you a computer.'

'I give this one about three months...'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is, none of us will be alive then.'

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

'We will not kick the can down the road... Does anyone know how to use a can opener?'

'I don't like our new copier, it sliced my report into hundreds of tiny strips.'

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

"Gentleman I believe I've found a revolutionary new way for us to more productively waste our lives."

The World's First Electronic Paperweight

"Do you have a minute, Bob? I'd like to speak with you about the concept of 'leadership'."

'That's Oog -- he got a haircut and a job.'

"No, I'm not really a CEO. I just like to keep up with the Joneses."