Humor Lover In The Workplace Gifts

Meerkats in the Office

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'What's wrong now?'

'Does your mother know you keep a messy office?'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

'I have much less stress since I replaced my in box with a paper shredder.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

"I made money the old fashioned way. I inherited it."

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

'You can drop all the hints you like, Jones. We're not buying you a computer.'

'I'm sure he was a great guy, but there's a new Pharaoh in town.'

'I give this one about three months...'

I've been working 20 hours a day. Well, that leaves you four hours to get to work.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is, none of us will be alive then.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'We will not kick the can down the road... Does anyone know how to use a can opener?'

'I don't like our new copier, it sliced my report into hundreds of tiny strips.'

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

The World's First Electronic Paperweight

'That's Oog -- he got a haircut and a job.'

"Gentleman I believe I've found a revolutionary new way for us to more productively waste our lives."

"No, I'm not really a CEO. I just like to keep up with the Joneses."