Humorists Of The Workplace Gifts

"There is a great deal of evidence that big savings can be made if departments shared resources... But I suspect that implementing the changes might be problematic if we can't even get Norman to lend out his pencil sharpener."

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

No, I didn't know they were going to cut the office furniture budget in half.

Pounding speeds up the computer.

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

"Well, ordinary men have colleagues. Successful men have victims."

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'I have a plan 'B' but that's also dependent on a working projector bulb.'

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

"You've proven your worth a hundred times over. Let's try for a thousand."

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

'Sorry, suffering from burnout return in a week.'

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

'What happened to that efficiency report? I had it in my hand not two minutes ago.'

"If you could be in any cubicle, which one would it be?"

"The meeting will last until lunch, or hell freezes over, whichever is longer."

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"That's the last time I'm going to allow politics to be discussed in the office."

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

Food Chain, Inc: 'UP...DOWN'.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tick, tock-tock, tickety-tick tock ….

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

'I went to my boss and demanded the fruits of my labor. He gave me a Blackberry.'

"Yes, I saw the obituary. So, is that why you weren't in yesterday?"

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

Armstrong? Why did UPS just deliver a microscope, a robotic arm, a huge incubator, a nucleus extractor and a dozen lab rats? Well, it's certainly not so I can replace you with an army of clones programmed to work for free. Well

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."