Workplace Humor Aficionado Gifts

"When I said to convince him of the need for change I was hoping you'd use the seductive power of reason and logic!"

"According to the survey,retention is helped by training and money...There's no mention of chaining staff to their desks."

"Welcome aboard, Thompson. Brono here will lay out the itinerary."

'No... It's too heavy, lads. We need the forklift truck.'

'Money can't buy happiness, Sims, so instead of a raise, I'm giving you a bottle of prozac.'

Oh, we communicate VERY freely in this office. I hear everyone's health, marriage, and money problems.

The job will be done by Friday.

'What's going on? This is the second time this week you've called in sick.'

Elbow room.

'Finishing early are we, Higgins?'

A cleaning lady presses the launch button on a rocket.

'You'd better have a good reason for missing the safety meeting Perkins!'

"May I introduce Mr Thorogood from Steadfast Consultancy. If you have any problems in your departments, he's the one to blame."

"We haven't been able to select a new CEO based on your experience, gentlemen, so that leaves us with the swimsuit competition."

Fearing insurance rate increases if he had another accident claim, Dave tries a new harness system.

"We're spending 75% of our time dealing with the elderly and infirm, and that's just the staff."

The Danger of Health and Safety Signs.

"Mr. Cogdill said he won't be in today because it's 'National I Hate My Job Day'."

"We have an exceptionally loyal workforce."

Head Office

Cull people who want you to give 110%

'Yeah, I know it's a plastic carrot: I wanted a low-maintenance system...'

Job Safety - Hockey Pool.

Complaints management

'Poor chap's really embarrassed...a blogger blew the lid on all the sexual antics and affairs in top management,and he wasn't even mentioned!'

'Do you work well under pressure?'

"The boss said this meeting's about taking us back to our origins!"

'I'm sorry, but the soup of the day was just tripped over by the employee of the month.'

'He was a good boss, but a little strict. Kick his briefcase down, too.'

'John, I like your style, and I'll be honest, I see a lot of you in me.'

Elf of the Month

P45 - "I have isolated the alpha/numeric code of a deadly job-eating virus."

'Get rid of these yes-men and get me some secretaries in miniskirts!'

John's renewed focus on valuing people had been misinterpreted.

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'