Witty Commentator Gifts

"Once you get past the divine right of kings, I'm not much into theology."

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

'No, I really don't know how much I'm worth - but I'm sure my wife's divorce lawyer does.'

'I'm just reaching my sexual innuendo peak.'

People want as much government as they deserve.

Royal Wedding and the Austerity Programme

'I'd like to thank you...at least I eat tonight.'

"No, I don't think age brings wisdom. If that were true, my husband would be a genius. Wouldn't you dear?"

Superiority of Cats.

'Will I respect you in the morning? I don't need that kind of pressure!'

"They can't be bad checks if they worked out great for me, right your honor?"

"FYI, I think I only have about an hour of polite in me."

'Without a pay raise, it's impossible to attract good people to government -- why, just look at me!'

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

'Let's see ... souls, causes, money -- no, still no sun glasses.'

How come you never know a famous artist until he's dead?

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

"Well, it's only one glass after dinner darling!"

'...and lately I've been having problems with my liver.' (Man's zimoframe has mini-bar attached to it).

Brow Beaten

"If you're so sober, why ain't you rich?"

'When a man and a woman marry they promise to love each other all their lives. Or until the warranty expires.'

'My father used to say, 'we learn by our mistakes'. You're an only child, aren't you?'

GPs press for sick note reform

"All this fuss about same sex marriage, I've been having the same sex with my husband for the last 27 years."

'We interrupt our regular programming because nobody much is watching anyway....'

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

'I'm sure there's a place for humor in this world, but I've never discovered where that is.'

Invade Andorra

"Just be grateful it's not bone spurs."

"He's a good boy, but he sheds like crazy."

I suspect the thinking behind making "Happy Hour" last two hours is that two boring hours equal on happy one.

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

'I think I've solved my drinking problem.'

...But don't et the door hit you on the way out.