Witty Soul Gifts

'Why don't you take out the garbage sometime?'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"Bed Spread"

Bangers and Mash

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

Message in a bottle being read by a fish

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

"He belongs to a lawyer."

'He won't eat his lettuce until I've washed it five times. I'm sure his OCD is getting worse!'

You trip on it, you buy it.

'He never listened to his mother!'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

"On second thoughts, I'll have it stirred, not shaken."

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

Sharp Eyes

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

"I got into the coffee for the wordplay."

"To listen to your instincts, press one."

Bell Hop

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

Bagel problems.

"Wow, I cannot remember what I was saying."

'I'd better check it for punctuation before you give it to him.'

"Yes, dear. I'm pretty sure it's 'granny panties on the inside, pants on the outside.'"

Male On Sunday