Witty Soul Gifts

'Why don't you take out the garbage sometime?'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"Bed Spread"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Bangers and Mash

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

Message in a bottle being read by a fish

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"He belongs to a lawyer."

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

'He won't eat his lettuce until I've washed it five times. I'm sure his OCD is getting worse!'

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

"On second thoughts, I'll have it stirred, not shaken."

'He never listened to his mother!'

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

"How the heck could you forget your sword?"

Sharp Eyes

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

You trip on it, you buy it.

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

"I got into the coffee for the wordplay."

"To listen to your instincts, press one."

'I'd better check it for punctuation before you give it to him.'

Male On Sunday

"Wow, I cannot remember what I was saying."

Bagel problems.

Bell Hop

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.