Witty Senses Gifts

"Yeah, doc, I'm under a lot of pressure! All these gift cards I've been carrying around forever expire today!"

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

"He belongs to a lawyer."

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

Sharp Eyes

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

You trip on it, you buy it.

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

Paper Boy

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

"Inactivists"

'He never listened to his mother!'

'Oh, and one more thing

"I got into the coffee for the wordplay."

'I'd better check it for punctuation before you give it to him.'

'This is a no rise office.'

"Wow, I cannot remember what I was saying."

Bagel problems.

"The gods are distributing Chinese menus."

Bell Hop

'Wait till the big dumb nut gets home and finds out he's got a wig.'

Male On Sunday

'I thought I could dance...'

'You could use more fiber in your diet; go sow a few wild oat brans.'

Change Of Heart