Witty Senses Pillows

"Yeah, doc, I'm under a lot of pressure! All these gift cards I've been carrying around forever expire today!"

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

"He belongs to a lawyer."

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

Sharp Eyes

'He never listened to his mother!'

'Oh, and one more thing

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

Paper Boy

You trip on it, you buy it.

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

"Inactivists"

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"I got into the coffee for the wordplay."

'Wait till the big dumb nut gets home and finds out he's got a wig.'

"The gods are distributing Chinese menus."

'This is a no rise office.'

"Wow, I cannot remember what I was saying."

Bagel problems.

Male On Sunday

Bell Hop

'I'd better check it for punctuation before you give it to him.'

"I beg to differ, Miss. My answer is correct. It's your question that's wrong."

Beware of a first kiss that speaks volumes.

'You could use more fiber in your diet; go sow a few wild oat brans.'