Witty Minds Pillows

'You know what... Put that on my bank account!'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Bed Spread"

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

"Dad, my web toon characters can't be normal! They have to be stereotyped crazies who are totally abnormal!"

"He belongs to a lawyer."

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

You trip on it, you buy it.

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'He never listened to his mother!'

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

Sharp Eyes

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

"I got into the coffee for the wordplay."

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

Bagel problems.

'I'd better check it for punctuation before you give it to him.'

You're Out Of Order

"Wow, I cannot remember what I was saying."

Male On Sunday

Bell Hop

"I beg to differ, Miss. My answer is correct. It's your question that's wrong."

'Branding is essential if you're to survive in the Jungle of modern law...'

'Dad a dachshund is really half a dog high and two dog long...'

'You could use more fiber in your diet; go sow a few wild oat brans.'

'Before we get into the scope, the breadth, the gravity and the cost of this mess...pour yourself a drink...'