Witty Performer Gifts

Find the dummy...

"Bed Spread"

"And finally, I'd like to take any questions from the floor."

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'He wanted to be remembered this way.'

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

'I'd like an 'Innuendo' please - a big one.'

"You have a lot of unresolved anger and it's settled in your hat."

'Can we just do this pass-fail?'

"I can't wait to get home and insult my parents from a position of authority."

"My husband would get out and change the tire, but he has a lug nut allergy."

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

Picasso's brew period.

Looking Daggers

"Actually the salary isn't important. . . I just need a desk to rest my feet on."

Mechanics price list.

One Way/Two Ways.

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

'Some boys think I'm pretty. Some think I'm ugly. What do you think?'

"Back when we were in college, and occasionally sleeping together, I never thought I'd be here, toasting you at your wedding to a woman."

"Mr. Berkowitz, I and my Jewish career counselor, hereby wish you a mazel tov on your birthday."

"I'm sorry, but you're not the patient your father was."

'Why don't you take out the garbage sometime?'

The hardest instrument to play second fiddle.

"I don't care if all your friends like that. You go back and put on some more insulation, young lady!"

Inattentive Boy

"Yeah, we thought about having kids, but we didn't want to give up our lifestyle."

'Every Hallowe'en barbeque he goes way over the top!'