Witty Humorist Gifts

'You are charged with habitual drunkeness, What's your excuse'

"Oh come off it, Aston! The only reason you decided to detest Chris Evert is because no one else does."

"You have a lot of unresolved anger and it's settled in your hat."

Is this your father, little guy? No, lady, my father is a libel attorney, and you'll be hearing from him.

Cabby and facetious fare

"Why do I want this job? I need your insurance coverage and quick!"

'Now, there goes a professional drinker.'

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"...You talking to me? Well, I'm the only one here... You talking to me?!" "Narcissus De Niro"

"A whack, whack here. A whack, whack there. Here a whack, there a whack. Everywhere a whack, whack."

The Forbidden Joyce Kilmer

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'Ms Simpson, I believe I've finally done it. I've written the Great American Memo.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

"William Blake said you can see the whole world in a grain of sand, but he doesn't always make a lot of sense."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"He's very disciplined about his writing, every morning he stares at the keyboard for at least 4 hours before he allows himself a cup of tea!"

'Neither a lender nor a borrower be.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"I see you also took the road less travelled!"

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

Kultural K9's.

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

Tolstoy and Dostoevsky plan a collaboration - 'War and Punishment'... it'll make us a bundle.

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"There's only the four of us. I hope you like doo-wop."