Witty Humor Connoisseur Gifts

"You're definitely going to need an extraction."

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

'I'll make my final decision on that promotion of yours, after this game.'

'The siege is working my lord. They have food and water but no beard oil. I reckon they will surrender in 12 hours or less'

"He's a guard dog."

'It's our own consumer confidence test. Throw some nickels out and if they're picked up in 5 minutes confidence is really low!'

'Apparently the stag party has gone into extra time.'

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

A hammer in his den enjoying a cigar and port with his collection of trophy thumbs above his head.

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

'I've got no problem with December, but what do I blog about the rest of the year?'

'You obviously took my suggestion to reduce stress to the extreme.'

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

Surprised chicken: 'I know. I can't believe it either.'

"OK, now another guy found a feather in his soup! One of you is molting, and I need to know who!"

"Larry, nooo! Don't look into the BOWL!!!"

'Take me to you lieder.'

'I thought I would rent it out for the extra dough.'

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

"Every Thursday I do her nails."

'Well it's too bad you're not a black widow like me, Slyvia...'

"That damn dog's scratching again!"

'I'm sorry young lady, but you're not old enough to be free range!'

'It's clear that we need Haitian refugees in America to do jobs Americans aren't willing to do... Like voting Democratic!'

"Humiliation is a very important part of the the process, Mr. Keifer."

"I love this time of year."

Alien asking for Bernard manning's autograph

"Is that snow? We never get snow around here...what do we do?"

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

"I swear, if you say 'I'm bored' one more time . . . "

'Sorry, but I do not recall that incident either.'

"I'm planking."