Ironic Humorist Gifts

'Of course I care for you. You're the most expensive woman in my life.'

Do it yourself - Get someone else to do it

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

The End is Near

"OK, I admit it. I smoke, drink and eat too much, don't exercise enough ..."

Social networking.

'I'd like a burger, fries and coffee - but at what cost!?' '$6.95.'

'The online version just doesn't offer as much coverage as printed media.'

The Yachtsman

Bus stop in the desert - 'It wouldn't hurt to wait around for a little while.'

'Yes, we are dining by candlelight because I thought it would be romantic. And also, because I didn't pay my electricity bill.'

Restaurant - featuring large amounts of bad food.

"Dystopian novels are suddenly uplifting."

'No pennies.'

'I must admit I like the idea of introducing a line of cigarettes named for astrological signs, but how about starting off with Pisces.'

Antiques/Collectible/Bric-A-Brac/Garbage.

'Sure she's a witch, but at least she doesn't keep banging on about healthy eating!'

'I got fifteen years for something I didn't do...I didn't run fast enough!'

'It's going to be harder to get back than you think. We're now part of a subculture of a counter culture.'

"At around 2:53 this video gets hilarious, I swear!"

'I'm not really a guru. I'm just here due to a tax loophole my accountant cooked up.'

'Well, at least, being on an island should stop you sleepwalking.'

Billy strip: dad doesn't get to shuffle the horses.

'Hey!! When you get thirsty running, you drink WATER!!'

'Here, it's a fabulous ancient ruin, but back home it's just another slum.'

"Don't look at me like that. You're the one that said we should make a new year's resolution."

'You have to get out more and meet new people you can find fault with.'

Guru reading 'Hedonism for Ascetics'

'It's all nonsense about our hours making relationships impossible...I've been with 'what's her name' for YEARS and it's not done US any harm.'

'Your heart, sir, torn out, stomped on and handed back to you in a doggie bag. Will there be anything else tonight?'

'I finally got rid of all my junk mail.' - 'You have no new messages.' - 'On reflection, I miss the false sense of popularity.'

'I hate Christmas!'

'I'm an agnostic so I'm praying to Richard Dawkins.'