Ironic Humorist Gifts

'Of course I care for you. You're the most expensive woman in my life.'

Do it yourself - Get someone else to do it

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

The End is Near

'I'd like a burger, fries and coffee - but at what cost!?' '$6.95.'

Social networking.

'The online version just doesn't offer as much coverage as printed media.'

"OK, I admit it. I smoke, drink and eat too much, don't exercise enough ..."

Bus stop in the desert - 'It wouldn't hurt to wait around for a little while.'

"Dystopian novels are suddenly uplifting."

'Yes, we are dining by candlelight because I thought it would be romantic. And also, because I didn't pay my electricity bill.'

Restaurant - featuring large amounts of bad food.

The Yachtsman

Antiques/Collectible/Bric-A-Brac/Garbage.

'I got fifteen years for something I didn't do...I didn't run fast enough!'

'Sure she's a witch, but at least she doesn't keep banging on about healthy eating!'

'I must admit I like the idea of introducing a line of cigarettes named for astrological signs, but how about starting off with Pisces.'

'No pennies.'

'It's going to be harder to get back than you think. We're now part of a subculture of a counter culture.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

Billy strip: dad doesn't get to shuffle the horses.

'It's all nonsense about our hours making relationships impossible...I've been with 'what's her name' for YEARS and it's not done US any harm.'

Capt. Ahab has Moby Dick mounted on wall.

'Let's not waste out time watching this show. It has no redeeming value. I'll record it.'

'Here, it's a fabulous ancient ruin, but back home it's just another slum.'

"At around 2:53 this video gets hilarious, I swear!"

"People say I have a rebellious nature."

'Well, at least, being on an island should stop you sleepwalking.'

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

'I finally got rid of all my junk mail.' - 'You have no new messages.' - 'On reflection, I miss the false sense of popularity.'

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

Guru reading 'Hedonism for Ascetics'

'Your heart, sir, torn out, stomped on and handed back to you in a doggie bag. Will there be anything else tonight?'