Ironic Comedian Gifts

"I would have thought you'd be pleased."

'I'll pay double for half as much.'

'I told you that 'will of the people' stuff would backfire!'

"Normally, we'd sue those b******ds for dropping that safe on your head...unfortunately, the safe was empty!"

Whoever said "Brevity is the soul of wit" must have not read many tweets!

My motto is "Do it now!" That's why I've decided there's no time like the present for postponing what I don't want to do.

The End IS Near

Self help tape - listening skills

I am NOT a serial killer...

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Look! No hands!"

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'Bront?saurus.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"I'll have dessert first."

"Hey samson, nice man bun."

Rattlecornsnake

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"Can you sign this copy I downloaded off the internet?"