Ironic Humor Gifts

"I'm going to Princeton!"

"Harumph. Some 'sailor man.'"

The Post Non-Apocalypse G.P.S.: Re-Calculating.

'And when I say clothes horse I mean the exercise bike.'

'Worse? How could this possibly be any worse?'

Wordplay: Freedom.

Vultures Over Smoking.

Turkey survivability - 'It's all in being able to put the old fork down and say no.'

"I'll have dessert first."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Look! No hands!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

Winter Weather.

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

Madame ZuZu. Dream Interpretation. Tarot. Palms. She says the dream where I'm taking a test naked means I barely made it through school.

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

'If I believed in aptitude tests I'd still be washing cars in Accrington,.'

"You are still here."

The Hammer

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'