Irony In Humor Gifts

"The sudden resignation caught many by surprise. 'I wish to spend more time with my family,' he said. When contacted, his family replied, 'Who?'"

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Freedom comes at a cost. We must be willing to pay the ultimate price. Retail.

"Look! No hands!"

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

"To be honest, I don't believe in ghosts."

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

"Ooh look Derek. A shooting star. Quick make a wish"

'I'm so bored - nothing ever happens around here!'

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

"If I'd known we'd be this long wandering the wilderness I would never have worn these heels."

'A religious zealot denounces a toaster for working on the Sabbath'

'This guy loves giving stump speeches. Ironically, they're all against deforestation.'

Flyfishing for dummies.

'Stuck on a desert island, in the middle of the ocean, with only a palm tree for company, it's a bloody joke.'

'You know bank pens never work. Why didn't you write the holdup note before we left?!'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Just don’t tell the other vultures. I’ll never hear the end of it."

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"